HogStuckWartsBent
by Doctor-Strider-Time
Summary: After much time travel, the kids and trolls all meet up together at Hogwarts School. This will not turn out good what with all the paradoxes and utter confusion. Rated T for frequent cussing *karkatanddave* and possible violence. Will use Dave's POV alot.
1. Out of The Medium

03/26/2012

**Back for yet again another story during my blank on story update ideas! Now, with this I will display my utter love for 2 things: Harry Potter and HOMESTUCK! EEP! Homestuck is the most amazingful thing EVAR. Gotta love that Homestuck! I'm going to be using Dave's POV for quite a bit of this, but I will be changing occasionally. Gotta show that Strider love! :3**

**This is going to take place while the kids are in sburb but before anyone reaches god tier. They all meet up somehow, don't ask me how. I'm not good with that kind of stuff. XP And all the trolls are still alive.**

**Oh yeah, and as an added thing, Harry and co. will be in 3rd year. It took me a couple minutes to wrap my head around the whole time ordeal, but I managed. xD**

**Disclaimer: Homestuck belongs to Hussie and HP to JK Rowling, the lucky ducks.**

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><p><strong>Dave's POV<strong>

"Wait, what are you talking about again Rose?" I groaned, staring at my friend. Whenever she talks, she always just loses me with all her smarticle shit she goes babbling on about. It wears a bro down.

"These letters. We all got one. They're to a place called Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!" Rose said in what I guessed to be as calm a voice as she could manage. She really does like them wizards.

"Oh that's so great! I wonder what it will be like! When are we going?" Jade asked in her usual over-excited happy-about-nearly-everything voice. Ugh.

"The 1st of August."

"Wait, what's today's date anyway? How are we going to get out of the Medium to this place anyway, assuming it's on Earth." John butted in with his normal complicate everything by asking random questions. I don't think he even realizes he does it. It's just woven into his Egderp ectobiology-formed DNA.

"Well the letter says exactly this.

"_Dear Miss Lalonde,_

_You have been selected to come to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Under normal circumstances, you would have arrived and enrolled at the school at the age of 11. But under the current circumstances, you being 13, you will come and have special classes at Hogwarts on August 1st to make up for all you have missed. Spellbooks for years 1 to 2 will be provided, but your 3rd year books will need to be purchased by you. The booklist is enclosed in this letter._

_We hope to see you very soon, Minerva McGonagall."_

"Whoa. I wonder what's been holding up our letters." John wondered out loud.

"Probably some douche who doesn't like majyyks or something." I answered. Rose glared at me.

"Or maybe it was the trolls!" Jade inputted. Damn, that girl hates trolls. She just has this grudge. I wonder what they did to her, the blind chick isn't too bad. Except for the fact that she tried to kill Egderp once, she's not too bad.

"Well John, to answer your question, it's still the same day it was that we entered in. Or at least it's supposed to be. Let me check me computer." She slid out her weird green headband with the computer in it and placed it on her head. "Huh. I guess time has gone by. It's not supposed to though."

"Well I went through 3 days when we were supposed to only have a day. It's possible. And that may also be because the only way I could get all of us here at the same time was to mess around with the time stream a bit and make it so we all ended up here. That involved taking us a couple days ahead." I explained, adjusting my sunglasses. So cool bro.

"Then how are we going to get out of the Medium?" Jade asked, crossing her arms.

"Well I don't have all the fucking answers, don't look at me." I said.

"I may though." Rose piped up, attracting my attention. "Since magic apparently exists, they'll probably have some kind of way for us to get out enclosed in this letter. I mean, how else would they get it to the Medium? You'd think they'd put a way out." She reasoned. I nodded, not a bad plan Rosie. It gets the Strider stamp of approval.

"Wow, great job Rose! That's a good idea!" John said happily. No wonder he and Jade are ecto-paradox-half siblings. They have the same personalities for the most part.

Rose sifted through the small envelope, throwing out another piece of paper with words written on it. After throwing out some more shit with words, she finally smiled and pulled something out. A small, purple rock.

"There's the little bugger. It has enough energy to transport one person out of the Medium and into London, England." She said, holding the purple shit rock up to the light. "Each of our envelopes has one. Here's yours John, Dave, and Jade." She passed out each of our envelopes addressed to us. I ripped open my letter and dumped it upside down. Paper shit came raining down until finally a little red rock hit the ground. Jackpot.

I bent down to the ground to pick it up. After examining it more closely, I noticed there wasn't anything all that special looking about it. It looked just like some kind of fake ruby shit you see in a little girl's dress up chest or something fucking fake like that.

"What's so special about it? Just looks like a piece of shit to me." I muttered, sticking the rock in my pocket.

"Well if it has enough power to transport us all the way to Earth, it must be pretty good." Jade said, holding hers up to what little light existed on this oily planet. Geez John, do you ever clean up around here? It's a flipping dump.

But that's when it hit me. Not because of the whole dump thing, but what Jade said. This doesn't make sense. Earth is gone. We couldn't possibly go. "Guys. I just remembered something. Earth has been fucking annihilated. There's no way we could go." Those words really depressed them.

Rose frowned for a second, deep in thought. Oh no. When she thinks, I always end up getting the fuzzy end of the puppet ass.

"Dave," She started, I groaned automatically. No. More. Puppet. ASS. "Maybe you could take us back in time?" She grinned deviously at me.

"Fiiine, but I really hate getting the fuzzy end of the puppet ass. You know what I'm talking about. And don't go saying time travel is easy, you have to close the loops and make sure paradoxes don't happen...and..." I trailed off, feeling I had my point across. John and Jade looked interested while Rose just rolled her eyes.

"Yeah yeah Strider, just take us back." I glowered at her and pulled out my epic Timetables. Aw yeah, got some phat time beats up in here. I spun them around twice, 2 years I guess, and we all went whizzing back through time.

Nanoseconds later, we appeared in what is John's planet 2 years before we arrived. No imps, all salamanders. I quickly shoved my 3 friends and myself into the nearest bush via an awesomely pulled off Youth Roll to avoid being seen, no more fucking time paradoxes. Wading through dead Daves is enough, I don't need any Egderps, Happy Harleys, or Rosies piling up either.

"Dave! What was that for?" Jade whined, pulling twigs out of her shirt.

"Well would you rather pull twigs out of your shirt than cause a million flipping time paradoxes and then start having to wade through dead versions of ourselves from doomed timelines we created?" Silence. "I'll take that as a 'Sure Dave, thank you for saving us the trouble of having to wade through a million damn dead versions of ourselves!'."

"Alright. Who's going first?" Rose asked, pulling her rock out again.

"I'll go first!" John volunteered. He would be the first to go through with something as stupid as this.

"Yeah one problem guys, we don't know how to even frickin' work them." I interrupted. Everyone took the next few seconds of time to examine their rocks as closely as their vision would allow. I finally did the stupidest thing ever. I tapped it. I tapped the flipping rock.

Well that was apparently what you were supposed to do to activate it. I don't know what fucking genius came up with that brilliant strategy, but next time buddy, try something less neanderthal-ish.

I opened my eyes to find myself standing smack dab in the middle of a busy street in downtown London. Score 2 for Mr. Genius Man for making this stupid thing land you right in the middle of a busy street. You have really exceeded my expectations on being extremely fucktarded.

I ran out of the street before one of those huge red buses with the second bus thing on top hit me. Let's just say that would probably hurt. A lot.

About a second or two later, John appeared. He sat in the middle of the street, looking as dumb as ever, not noticing there was a frickin' bus coming toward him. He finally noticed after I flailed my arms around, trying to make him notice it. It's a wonder I haven't been called out or something.

"Dave! Why didn't you wait for me? I was supposed to go first!" John whined to me loudly, yet it didn't really attract any onlookers. Guess the Brits know how to mind their own business.

"Well how was I supposed to know that it was activated by tapping the piece of shit. It's so stupid it's not even funny, yet it is in an ironic sort of way." I responded, adjusting my glasses again as a couple of ladies passed by. They completely ignored me. Crap.

There was another flash and Rose and Jade appeared in the street. They obviously, well Rose did, had enough sense to move out of the way before they were flattened by a British taxi cab that came screaming down the street. Jade was just sorta dragged since she was in a daze, like always. Just another mystery solved about the wonders of the two ecto-siblings DNA, it makes them extremely oblivious and spacey. Oh the things that I've learned from irony.

"Nice job Dave, going without us." Rose crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow at me.

"Oh yeah you're blaming me when you should be blaming the retarded dude who programmed the thing to be activated by TAPPING. And then it drops you off in the middle of the STREET. You're logic TOTALLY makes sense Rose." I retorted sarcastically to her sarcsam. Irony at work ahead.

"Like your logic is any better!" Our bickering continued for a few more minutes until I felt John tap on my shoulder.

"Wha-WHAT THE FFFF." I turned around to see what Egderp was pointing at. And damn, is he huge.

"You mus' be John, Dave, Rose, an' Jade!" The huge dude bellowed down at us, grinning widely. He looked about a million foot three and had shoes size a thousand. Okay, I exaggerated, but he sure is big. That moleskin overcoat could fit about 5 or more mes in there.

"Hi! I'm Jade!" Jade grinned, buck teeth sticking out. According to Karkat's shitty shipping map, I'm supposed to marry her. No offense, but that's not happening. Well, maybe if she gets some major orthodontia or something.

"Hello, I'm Rose."

"I'm John!" Egderp grinned just like his paradox sibling. My flip they look similar.

"Dave." I waved like a cool kid does and adjusted my glasses.

"I'm Rubeus Hagrid, you can call me Hagrid. I'm tha gamekeeper at Hogwarts. You wouldn' happen to have any grey fellas with ya? It says here on my reminder letter tha' I'm suppo' to pick up 12 other species called..." Hagrid squinted at the page. "Trolls? They mus' no' be like any trolls I've met." I felt my stomach half drop half wiggle. Trolls? Did he really say _trolls_? If he means the trolls I'm thinking of, then we got trouble on our hands. Trouble in the form of angry Jade.

I looked over to said Happy Harley, or should I say Horrified Harley. She looked on the verge of tears and you could tell she was shaking if you looked really hard.

"T-Trolls?" She stammered out, voice on the edge of breaking out of anger and well, just being upset.

"Oh, so you've met one!" Hagrid said cheerfully, not exactly noticing Jade's reaction. Just at that very second, I think one of the most inconvenient things happened. Trolls really do have bad timing, don't they? I think it's safe to classify this as a nice, hot, steaming plate of irony with some pwned sauce.

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><p><strong>Short chapter is short. I wanted to leave it as a bit of a cliffy, and I was looking for just the perfect place. XP<strong>

**Anyway, there's this beautiful little button down there that I would be ever so happy if you clicked it and typed something in the convenient little box that pops up. It's really quite nice. ^^**

**Until next chapter, enjoy reading any HS updates, watch your monthly Harry Potter movie, and I dunno, eat soup or something.**

**~Mint**


	2. Flipping Wands and Shades

**Okay, I love this story too much. It isn't even 3 chapters long and I love it. I MUST update. I MUUUSSSTTTT.**

**Well, since this is pretty recent, not much to say.**

**I can't wait for Homestuck's birthday on the 13th! And I hope everyone had a Happy Easter!**

**Oh yeah, since I can't bring myself to type the actual word, I'll just type mofo instead of...you know...xD *is a wuss***

**Disclaimer: Homestuck belongs to Hussie and HP to JK Rowling. So so lucky…**

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><p><strong>Dave's POV<strong>

"Gamzee for the last time IT'S NOT A FUCKING MIRAC-OH SHIT NOT THESE LOSERS." A troll who I guessed to be Karkat shouted. Damn, he is as grumpy as John and Jade make him out to be. The look on Jade's face was so contorted with rage, it would be funny if it wasn't so scary.

"Hi Karkat!" John waved happily at Mr. Grumpy. Karkat frowned in extreme disgust at Egderp. The creepy looking clown dude behind him who looked SERIOUSLY stoned grinned at us all. Wow. That's really creepy.

"Hey mofos, this is all just one big miracle!" Stoned said from the background. Uhhh, this is the dude that I showed the Mirthful dudes video, right? Well. This is going to get a lot more interesting than I originally expected.

Another flash of light brought on two more trolls that were bickering with each other. One had 7 pupils in one eye, I'd guess her to be the Vriska chick John blabbers on and on about. Next to her is a girl with red shades and cane, I guess that must be Terezi, right? Well if she's blind and she runs at m-

Yeah, it's Terezi. She's constricting me with a creepy hug as she smells me, ew.

"Daaaavvveee..." She whispers in my ear. I try to shake her off but she is all over me like puppet's ass. "You smell candy red, just like Karkles..." I could see Rose smirking at me out of the corner of my eye. Laugh it up all you want Rosie, but some day having a flipping troll trying to make out with you will be cool. ...oh who'm I kidding this is really lame. And creepy.

I finally manage to shake her off, but not before she takes my shades with her. Wow. The world is a lot brighter than I remember.

"Wow Dave! I didn't know you have red eyes!" Egderp butts in from his conversation with Spider Lady, attracting all the attention that wasn't already on me over in my direction. Great. I can't be seen without my shades. I hear something clatter to the ground and I'm guessing Terezi dropped them. Thanks a lot. She better not have broken the lenses.

Suddenly, Jade trips at the sight of me without my shades, utterly surprised. Now we're both on our hands and knees, searching for our glasses.

"My glasses! I can't see without my glasses!" Jade shrieked, pawing around on the ground until she picked up something she thought was her glasses and put them on.

"I can't be seen without my glasses!" I yelled, picking something up too that was shaped like my shades. Not until I put them on did I discover they were Jade's. Shit. There goes my cool. Frankly, I can't even see all the people laughing at me since Harley's correction is so dang high. It's giving me a fucking headache.

I manage to get the nerd specs off my face and shove them at Harley, who's wandering around yelling things and wondering why it's so dark. I then rip my shades off her face and slide her own glasses behind her ears. I could have sworn I saw her blush, maybe my eyes are still adjusting from those flipping coke-bottles.

"Dave, could you even see with those on?" John yelled to me. Of course he'd be the one to ask stupid questions.

"No."

"Well that's not good!" He shouted back, still sounding cheerful.

"Yeah, well that's why I like my shades." I mutter, adjusting my shades all firmly on my face before Terezi could get them in her grabby little troll hands. I need some dignity.

I hear a loud cough from behind me and turn to see Hagrid standing awkwardly. "Well then, it seems ya know mos' of each o'er. I'll just stan' over here till the res' arrive." He backed up against the wall of a building called The Leaky Cauldron.

After a few minutes, the whole party of trolls arrived. I didn't know there were so many of them. 12 of them, each of them with a Zodiac sign on their shirt. Maybe it's custom or something to give the troll kids a sign or something, I don't get troll lifestyle. Between the Creepy Quadrants as I renamed them and their fear of buckets, they're pretty weird. Next thing you know I'll see Jade chasing Karkat down a hallway with a freaking mop.

"Alrigh', now in'o th' pub. Also known as th' Leaky Cauldron. It ca' on'y be seen by wizardin' eyes." Hagrid said, leading us into the grubby little bar. Damn. It's freaky in there.

"So you're not suggesting that magic is real, are you?" The guy with fins and bad fashion sense asked from the back with a watery-sounding accent. He sounded a bit excited, he better not write wizarding fanfiction too...if he does he better not make me read it. I mean really. First hipster glasses, purple cape, and pinstriped pants. The world doesn't need more fanfictions about weird bearded dudes that can make their faces come on fire without wood.

"Well o' course it is. Tha' is why we're goin' to Diagon Alley ta get your supplies for Hogwarts." Hagrid remarked, leading us out of the pub and to the back area that only contained a few random boxes and a gigantic brick wall. What. The. Hell. IT'S A FLIPPING WALL.

"Uhhh...why the glub is there a wall here?" Other fish troll asked. Everyone else just stared at Hagrid, making him obviously uncomfortable. Snicker. Snicker.

"Uh, ah, you'll see. I'll show ya." He then turns to the wall, pulls out a gigantic pink umbrella-wait, what? GIGANTIC PINK UMBRELLA? WHAT IS THIS SHIT?

Karkat the psychic asked that as well, and plenty loud too. Terezi cackled loudly and Jade fumed. Hagrid didn't even bother answering, since he was too busy tapping at random bricks in the wall. This guy is really starting to weird me out. And I've played sburb.

Suddenly he grunted with surprise and tapped one of the bricks 3 times, making them move and glow. OKAY, WHAT? This is just RANDOM AND IMPOSSIBLE. Before I even had time to shout something ironic, all the bricks had already parted to reveal a busy street full of fucking weirdos. All the shops had strange names and sold things that looked...well...not high quality and really old looking.

"Whoa. Mofoin' miracles." Stoner inputted from the back while Karkat sighed. I think I heard Mister Double Vision Lisp mutter something as well, but it was so lispy and quiet I couldn't make it out.

"This is Diagon Alley. We'll nee' ta buy your books an' wands." Hagrid led us down the street, gaining us a few looks but not many. Maybe large crowds led by giant dudes are normal in the fucking wizarding world of magic and chiz.

I looked around for Rosie, just to see the expression on her face at this whole situation. Just as I expected, flipping hilarious. She looks as if someone killed her, brought her back to life, gave her a pound of chocolate, drew her face anime style, then chucked her onto a freaking bed of marshmallows and Squiddles or something stupid like that. Just for the people that didn't understand that amazing statement of irony, she's really happy.

John's crazy happy as usual, yet Jade is a combination of surly, excited, and derpy. What. The. Flip. I will never see an expression as ironic as that. Ever. Again. In my entire life. Too ironic.

"Wow, this is a strange collection of shops." Troll-that-is-just-like-Rose remarked from the back of our parade of retards. Wait, retards would mean literally to tard again, what the heck. That doesn't make any sense at all. Why am I thinking about this?

While I was getting lost in my strange thoughts, I tripped on a rock. My nose made hard and fast impact almost instantly, causing it to bleed. Then my glasses fell off again. Terezi would have an absolute fucking field day with this one.

I quickly stood up, wiped my nose on my shirt even though it continued to bleed, and slid my shades back on like I still had dignity. What is up with me today, I've been acting like a total klutz. I think it may even be Jade or possibly John level klutzy. Well, that would be exaggerating. A lot.

Before I knew it, Miss Blind 'n' Creepy was on her hands and knees, smelling my blood so closely her nose was literally getting wiped in it. She then did what I was hoping she wouldn't. She. FLIPPING. LICKED. IT. She even smacked her lips happily for effect before bursting into a fit of cackles right there on the ground. She is one messed up alien chick.

"That's gross!" Crippled goat inputted from the back, wobbling a bit on his robo legs. Karkat looked around somewhat shiftily, most likely thanking Jegus that wasn't him. Terezi told me about his 'candy red blood'. She really has a very strange fetish for all things bright red.

Hagrid tried to ignore all of this and led us into a small shop called Ollivander's. Frankly, the inside decor is even more shitty than John's planet. This dude really needs to get some magic wand that can conjure up this magical thing called soap. It would make this place actually tolerable.

"Oho! Hagrid! It seems we have a big party this time. And getting multi-species students this year?" An old man asked from behind a dirty counter. Hagrid nodded.

"Aye. Trolls. Not th' trolls we usually think of tho'. They're from another planet." Hagrid said, walking up to the icky counter. I guess these two dudes know each other or something.

"Mm, interesting. I wonder what kinds of wands will choose them." Old dude said, winking at all of us. Okay creepy old dude, stop acting all pedo and get this over with. "You see, the wand chooses the wizard. You will test out some of the wands I have in stock and see which one chooses you." I could practically hear Fish Boy and Rosie squeal. I'm surprised they're not even taking notes.

The old dude guy who I'm guessing to be Ollivander disappeared into the back room for a second. He came out with a whole shitload of slim boxes a second later.

"Alright, you there, sunglasses. What is your name?" He looked right at me.

"Dave Strider." I replied, pushing said shades up farther on the bridge of my nose. A cool kid must always look cool, even in the most awkward, uncool, or disgusting situations. It's a code man. There is a code.

"Alright then Mr. Strider, step up here." I stepped up to the grimy counter thing piled high with boxes. "Ash, 11 inches, bendy, unicorn hair." I could hear everyone snicker behind me. Ollivander handed me the wand and my first instinct was to run around like an idiot before breaking it over my knee. I decided against that and I just waved it like a retard. It didn't do anything.

Ollivander instantly snatched it up out of my hands before I had any chance to do a single thing more. Geez dude, pushy. I was instantly handed another stick of majyyks. "This may suit you better, a maple wood wand. In length, it is just shy of eight and one-quarter inches long. It's a tad bendy, but plenty firm. It's core is phoenix tailfeather." I wove it and it made some red and orange sparks. Ollivander smiled at me. "That's your wand."

I sat down, staring at the slender stick. It didn't look extraordinary. It's just kinda...there. Yet it felt strangely warm in my hands as a rolled it between my palms. I waved it again and it made more sparks come out of the tip. Now I know how to easily amuse myself. Hell yes.

Rose now went up and was waving a wand with dragon heartstring and elm wood. It made a gigantic puff of smoke that smelled like shit so Ollivander took it from her before she could even wave the smoke away. She was instantly handed another wand made of cherry wood and unicorn hair. It was really long and firm too. This one apparently worked since some magical shit came out of the end, making Rose try to suppress a very loud squeal.

He then asked Jade to step up to get hers. She ended up testing out about a bajillion wands before Ollivander said he'd check in the back where he keeps his more unusual wands. She finally got a hickory and Cerberus hair wand to work for her, it was short and bendy as well. I wonder how easily he got the hair off a vicious, man eating 3 headed dog. Must have been pretty interesting to watch.

John was the next to get his wand. After trying a couple regular wands and smashing about 10 vases, Ollivander decided the specialty wands for him as well. He ended up getting a medium length and extremely bendy willow wand with a ghost slime core. Predictable, considering his favorite shirt. And his love for stupid movies like Ghostbusters.

All the trolls ended up getting some varying wands. Karkles got oak and unicorn hair, Terezi got mulberry and dragon heartstring, Spiderbitch got rosewood and acromantula hair, Cripple got dogwood and unicorn hair, Fashionista Vampire got sycamore and nymph hair, Clown got yew and kirin hair, Hipster Fish got vine wood and hippocampus scales, Bejeweled Fish got hackberry wood and mermaid scales, Cat Chick got pine and sphinx hair, Lispy got myrtle wood and has a core of amphisbaena hide, Dead Chick got ash and thestral hair, and Mr. Sweatsalot got honey locust and centaur's tail hair.

Hagrid helped us pay for the shitload of majyyk sticks and we left. We picked up a truckload of books full of crap I couldn't understand all that well. Before long, we had already cleaned out the whole supply list. Hagrid told us there was a couple more things that we could do. We could check out the animal store or we could check out the Quidditch supplies. None of us bothered to even ask what Quidditch is.

"This is Eyelops Owl Emporium. You lot have enough funds ta buy a' owl, so check 'em out." The giant dude told us. John ended up getting a tawny, scruffy looking owl and Jade got a tiny little black one. Rose said she'd hold out for a cat while I just decided to not even bother with it. All of the trolls were a bit wary of the owls so none of them got one. Wusses.

Rose ended up getting a black cat and she named it Jaspers. Real original Rosie, naming your new cat after your dead cat. Jaspers is rolling around wherever you left him now.

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><p><strong>Alright, I want to do more but I'll just leave the chapter there. This story is seriously one of my favorite ones at the current moment. I can't wait to see all you guys's reviews. PLEASE REVIEW. . It motivates me to update! You want updates, correct? YES YOU DO. YESSSSS. So review! X3<strong>

**Next chapter, they will take off for their Hogwarts catch-up classes. They won't get sorted yet because I want to save that for the 3rd chapter so all of the HP characters can see it! X3 It will also help me plan out some real plotline. If anybody has any ideas, tell me. I'm not guaranteeing I'll use them, but if it's really good I just may! I'll be sure to credit you and tell you if you do give me an idea I like.**

**Until next chapter, Happy Homestuck's b-day, Happy Easter, HP RUELZ BRO, **

**~Mint**


	3. Eyes Greener Than Harley's

HPHS x-over 3 04/13/2012

**FUUUU- I keep updating this one and forgetting my other ones. CURSE YOU EPIC COMBINATION OF HARRY POTTER AND HOMESTUCK, CURSE YOU! Wait, scratch that (H3H3 Homestuck joke), don't curse you. That would be sad. ;a;**

**But yeah, I may be sorting this chapter, may not. H3H3H3H3 SUSPENSE. Well not really since you'll be finding out this chapter. ;D**

**Anyway, happy 413 day guys! I ended up not going cosplaying with my friends like I planned to, but I did wear my orange ribbon. XP**

**Uhhh…I hate to say it…but I don't think I can say anything HP related. ._. THE WORLD WILL NOW END. OKAY. IT'S OVER. NOW. OVER. DEAD. GONE. WOOP. Wait, why did I say woop? Oh yeah, I'm bored and lifeless that's why. XP**

**Anyway, yeah, this chapter they will be staying a bit in the Leaky Cauldron, Dave may make a run in with a certain runaway living boy (HINTHINT. Pssst, IT'S HARRY. XP) in the pub, arrive at Hogwarts for their catch-up classes (I was going to call them remedial classes but that makes them sound stupid. XP), and I MAY get the sorting on a roll if the chapter isn't too long. And don't tell me there isn't such thing as a too long chapter because there is. There is if you're writing said chapter. =3=**

**Oh yeah and about Harry being at the Leaky Cauldron, I know he doesn't arrive until early August, but please bear with me. I just need them to meet so...er...I can't tell you now, can I? -eyebrow wiggle-**

**Soya, one of my friends on deviantART (AppleDashRocks) tells me this is perfectly in character, sooooo…THIS IS FOR YOU, BRO. YES. IT IS. YOU ARE THE DEDICATEE. IT'S YOU. O3O –shot for using overused Homestuck reference- Also, my other friend on dA (and in RL) senoritchyface has helped me come up with ideas for this and future chapters so, THIS IS FOR YOU ALSO JJ. O3O**

**Now for the disclaimer I feel like I don't need yet I put here anyway…I own Homestuck and Harry Potter as much as I own the word banana. And, as a side note, I don't own the word banana. I don't know who owns the word banana, but I do know that Andrew Hussie owns Homestuck and J K Rowling owns Harry Potter. o3o IN SHORT I DON'T OWN HOMESTUCK OR HARRY POTTER. THAT'S FOR THE PEOPLE THAT DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT LAST CONFUSING SET OF SENTENCES. XD**

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><p><strong>Dave's POV<strong>

Our little group of retards went back to the freaky pub. Good thing is we didn't hang out downstairs for very long, this creepy toothless lady kept staring at me with only one eye while the other one looked straight up. I still shudder at the thought.

We all got stupid little rooms upstairs. It ended up being 4 to a room since there were 4 beds in one room. Unluckily for me, I ended up bunking with Egderp, Karkles, and Lispy. How did I know this wasn't going to end well. It turned into a fucking free for all. Well, Egderp just sat there and giggled while me and Karkat battled it out. Lispy really didn't do much of anything except for sit in the corner with his computer and mutter things to it. I think he's having an affair with it. Yet that's not really possible...unless...

"Watcha thinking about Dave?" John interrupted my dirty thoughts. I can't have a second of peace with him around. Ever.

"Uhh..." I thought up an ironic response. "Not dirty things." OH MY GOG STRIDER WHAT ARE YOU SAYING. THIS IS A DISGRACE TO IRONY. A DISGRACE. I AM THE DISGRACE...ER...IT'S ME. ALL ME.

Apparently even Egbert saw through that one and gave me a pervy eyebrow wiggle. DUDE. NO. IT'S NOT COOL. I sent him a look that said just that and he stopped wiggling before I bitch-slapped him all the way back to his dirty planet. Yeah. I went there.

I decided after that little incident to get some air. And by that I mean walk into the hallway in hopes of not dying from the tension that has built up in this room. At least Karkat is sleeping, if he wasn't he'd probably be all over me. I mean really.

The hallway was empty until suddenly some mass of dude and black hair hit me straight on. Next second I knew, I was on the floor rubbing my head without my glasses. Okay karma, how many freaking times will you leave me glasses-less in public already. Please give me a heads up so I can at least predict when the last bit of my dignity and sanity ebb away.

"Oh, I'm sorry..." The boy muttered in a British accent, rubbing his head. He stopped and we both looked at each other for a second. He had a huge clump of really messy black hair, nerd glasses, green eyes even brighter than Harley's, and a strange lightning shaped scar on his forehead. Sweet.

He noticed me glance at the scar and he did a mix of sighing and blushing before flattening his bangs.

"Yeah yeah, go ahead, comment on my scar and how I have my mother's eyes..." He muttered impatiently. What.

"Uhhh...I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about bro." I answered as bluntly as possible. Apparently my swearing and accent shocked him a bit 'cuz he looked a bit taken aback. I guess the majyyk Brits aren't used to cussing and American accents with a tiny bit of Southern mixed in.

"I see." He said awkwardly after a couple seconds of him staring at me. Most likely at my eyes and well...my strange get-up. I am in like a flipping red tux after all. Yet it's so flipping soft. "I guess you're not from around here."

"Nope." I shook my head and picked my shades up. We both stood up at the same time and I slid my sunglasses back on my face for the 3rd time today. "Strider. Dave Strider. I'm from America." I stuck my hand out awkwardly, that's what British people do, right?

Well apparently that is what they do because he shook my hand all embarrassed. "I'm Harry Potter. Normally people just figure that one out and I don't have to tell them. I guess I'm a bit relieved that for once someone didn't know who I was." Harry laughed sheepishly. Gog, what the hell has this kid done to get so much attention?

"Well...I don't want to have to go back into that hell-hole of a room. Lay it on me bro." I shoved my hands in my pockets and tried to look as boss-like as possible. Harry just sighed and started his story.

After about 10 minutes of standing in the hall awkwardly listening to Potter talk, I was getting a bit impatient. He was literally explaining his whole flipping life story. I didn't ask for this shit. I DIDN'T. He finally finished after 15 minutes though, thank Jegus.

"...wow." Was all I had to say. That was some pretty real shit he just laid on me. Pretty dang real.

"Yeah, wow is right. And you haven't heard the last of it. Every year more crazy stuff is stirred up just for the trouble of yours truly." Harry shook his head and sighed again. "Anyway, I suspect you're going to Hogwarts."

"Uh yeah. I am." I answered, actually remembering something Rose said for once. This has been one strange day. Me actually listening to Rose, majyyk shit, and now this. WTF universe. WTF.

"How come I haven't seen you around?" Harry asked suspiciously, eyeing me again. Dangit I hate it when he does that. It's creepy.

"Oh, uh, well..." I decided to not even TRY to explain sburb and all that shit and just cut to the chase. "My letters got held up and so did my friend's."

This was apparently a pretty legit answer for Harry, since he gave it a nod of approval. "I see. So you're here with friends?"

Well no duh. I sure hope I don't have another Egderp on my hands here, the universe can only hold so much stupid. "Yeah. Well. Scratch that, more like some are friends I guess and the rest are annoying trolls."

"Trolls?" Potter looked absolutely amazed and horrified at that. I guess that he interpreted trolls in a completely different way, or he's had a couple not-so-pleasant run-ins with my wonderful grey-skinned 'friends'.

"Well they're probably definitely not what you think." And of course, Karkat the Konvenient **(A/N: PFFFT SEE WHAT I DID THERE)** had to wake up from his nappy-poo and decide to annoy me out in the hallway at that very second. I swear, I think most of those trolls are flippin' psychic or something. Especially Miss 8-Eyes. She creepy.

"What are you up to now Strider!" He shouted as loud as he possibly could, or just used his normal voice. You never can tell with Karkles here.

Of course, Harry looked a combination of a tad freaked out, somewhat confused, and just out-right dumbfounded.

"What are you staring at fuckass." Karkat glared at Harry. Potter just gulped and shook his head.

"Just excuse Karkles, he just woke up from his nap." I smirked at Karkat who just scowled at me.

"You wanna go Strider?" Karkles clenched his fists and bared his teeth. I have to admit if I were Egderp, I would have peed my pants. But I'm not. So I didn't.

"Nah, it'll get my suit dirty."

"Ah, hate to interrupt, but I really must be going..." Harry said. Before I could say anything to make him stop, he sped off down the hall. Wow. Well, since he's going to PigWhatsits I'll see him again eventually. I don't really care either way anyway.

I just shrugged and walked back inside our room, Karkles fuming behind me. Of course Egbert asked me what happened out there but I decided to let that one wait.

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><p>The next day Hagrid picked us up from the Leaky Cauldron. This will be good.<p>

"I have a s'prise for all of ya." He said looking a bit excited. Oh crap.

"Ooooh I love surprises!" Jade squealed from the corner. A couple girl trolls joined in with her. I guess it's not just Egderp and Harley, or maybe it's spreading like a disease...

"You'll need these for this year. I got em for you before hand so I could s'prise ya." He pulled out a huge sack. Wow. He looks like Santa who was like 30 years younger and his life was screwed over so he lives on the side of the street as a hobo. Yeah.

He opened the sack and all that were in there were books. A shitload of books. With mouths. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY.

"Uhhh..." Pretty much everyone said in unison, staring at the creepy books.

"Here, everybody take one, stroke th' spine so it doesn' bite your han' off!" Hagrid said with a chuckle, handing them out. Egderp took it somewhat warily and forgot to stroke the spine so his hand was clamped down on. Pfft. Hagrid had to wrench it out. Nice Egderp. Nice.

Rose didn't seem to mind hers, she actually liked it a bit. I guess she's used to creepy books about creepy monsters, huh. All the trolls seemed pretty normal with it, especially Cripple the Goat Boy. He was like, whispering at it. WTF. Jade probably thought it was a deformed furry because she didn't seem to mind hers too much either.

"So, put thos' away in your trunks and we'll be off." Hagrid said, gesturing around like we didn't get the message. I shoved the crazy book into my trunk as fast as I could so it couldn't like flip out or something and bite my head off. I need my head.

Hagrid led us off to the stupid back of The Leaky Cauldron where the brick wall is. There were a huge pile of suspicious brooms that hadn't been there earlier...WTF...

Suddenly Hagrid snapped his fingers and guess what those stupid brooms did. THEY. LEVITATED. MIND. FUCK. WTF. MY MIND JUST DIED. AND IT GOT FLIPPED INTO A BIG STEAMING THING OF IRONIC APPLE JUICE OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT. AHHHH.

My sunglasses nearly fell off. Everyone had mixed expressions of total surprised, WTFness, and in some cases utter excitement. You can guess who that came from.

After the mutters of "WTFFFF", "Miracles", and "I need a towel" subsided, Hagrid cleared his throat.

"Ah, these brooms will be our form o' transpor' ta Hogwarts. Just swing yer leg over, tha's it, there ya go, an' sit tight as I strap on yer trunks." He said as we all mounted the brooms. I had this sinking feeling that Cripple was going to fall off with those metal legs of his. Just a hunch.

After Hagrid finished strapping the trunks on and getting Rose's cat to actually stay on the stick he mounted his own broom and showed us how to kick off the ground. John got the hang of it instantly, most likely due to his "windy thing". Jade was the complete opposite. She was all over the freaking sky with that thing. I managed to stay pretty sane with it and Rose didn't have too many issues. The trolls...well that is probably one of the more funny or funniest things I have ever seen in my very ironic life. That's all I'll say besides Cripple did better than I thought.

After we finally got the hang of it, for the most part at least, Hagrid led us off in the direction of Pigpimples of whatever it's called.

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><p><strong>Well apparently I'm not going to be getting to the sorting, much less the remedial classes. FAIL. Oh well, all the school stuff will most certainly handled next chapter.<strong>

**How was this one? I frankly had quite a bit of fun writing it, especially the part with Harry after Karkat came out. PFFT. XP**

**Anyway, the magical button would really love to be clicked. I think it would be best if you'd just click it so it doesn't die all sad, kay? :3**

**Until next chapter (which may have a few surprises ;D), enjoy updates, read HP,**

**~Mint**


	4. The Sorting or Whatever

**Ahhhhh. Amg. This story has gotten such a positive reaction. Ahhhhhhh. And now I feel all guilty for putting this off to write other stories. xD Oh well, I'm updating now, that's good enough, right? Lolno it's not. xD**

**But the main reason I put this off is not just because I had the plot bunnies attacking me. It was mostly because this story has been frustrating me to no end with a horrible case of really bad writer's block. At one point it was so bad I couldn't even look at the file without shuddering and having to close the whole tab altogether. Yeah, really.**

**Yeah, I totally changed my pen name. My old one was a bit...I dunno...meh. I just felt like changing it. **

**Anyyyywaayayyyyyy, since I totally let you guys down with that last chapter, I completely PROMISE that the make-up classes AND the Sorting will be in this. SERIOUSLY. I'm still sorta beating myself up over that last chapter with the total utter filler chapter failness of it, but oh well, we're in the present, no? OR MAYBE WE'RE IN SOME OFF SHOOT DOOMED TIMELINE AND ALL THAT TIME CHIZ. YEAH. THAT.**

…**I'll just get onto the story before I make a bigger fool out of myself than I already have.**

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><p><strong>Dave<strong>**'s POV**

For the majority of the ridiculously long broom ride, I kept my cool. As for the rest of us...that's a very ironic story.

John was pretty much going absolutely crazy with his windy thing that somehow still works, making him go across the freaking sky like he was using a flipping jetpack. I will never understand the inner machinations of that derp's mind.

Jade was really fucking the sky up big time with her serious case of no coordination whatsoever. She was all over the flipping place. She nearly knocked many a troll of their broom (she didn't really mind that) and almost got me even. But she couldn't. I'm a Strider. That's why.

Rose was at least calm so she wasn't totally spazzing out like Jade. She was a bit bumpy but pretty much had it under control. As for me though...I was a Strider. So I kept my cool. And was awesome. A couple times I had to resist the urge to shout "I'M ON A BROOMSTICK BITCHES" but I didn't. That would be so un-Strider like of me.

As for the fish guy, he actually did shout the previous, but nobody paid attention. No one ever pays attention to that forever alone tard. No one. Except for that green troll who keeps threatening to cut him in half again. I still don't get trolls at all.

And of course, there was the annoying spider bitch who kept yelling "Are we there yet?" in her most obnoxious voice. Terezi tried to beat her off her broom but they both ended up falling about a thousand feet or so. That was pretty ironic as well, in the most ironic sense of irony.

After five long hours we finally caught sight of some big-ass castle on the horizon. That thing looked like someone puked Middle Ages everywhere.

Hagrid let us fly over the gates and we all left the brooms outside. I guess someone was going to come by and take them to the broom garage or something silly like that. It would probably be some kind of burly dude that has a million tattoos but yet still lives with his mom or something. Yeah, that.

Hagrid led us through the huge doors and into this huge hall. Yeah, it's going to be called Big Ass Hall from now on. It still looked even more like someone barfed up medieval times everywhere, there were random suits of armor here and there along with these large crests.

This really strict looking woman came down the wide set of stairs on the other end of the room and came toward us with a brisk walk. "So you must be the special circumstances students," She said in a tight British accent, surveying us like a hawk. She makes it sound like a bad thing. "Welcome to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I am Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress and head of Gryffindor house." She motioned for us to follow as she led us up to the front of the room where there was some shit brown hat sitting on a pathetic little stool. "This is the Sorting Hat. It will sort you into the House, or team if you will, that corresponds with your personality best. The four houses are Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. Gryffindor represents the virtue of bravery or chivalry, Hufflepuff represents loyalty, Ravenclaw represents wit and smarts, and Slytherin represents cunning."

Everyone muttered amongst ourselves about how silly the names sounded. I thought they were at least a bit ironic, so they passed with me. Except for Hufflepuff, that sounds like some girly shit that Jade would like or something.

"I will call you in alphabetical order to get sorted. When you are called you will step up to this stool, sit down, and put the Sorting Hat on your head. It will then sort you according to your strengths." The strict lady said. Wait, what? It _reads your mind_? This is not going to end well.

"First up, Ampora, Eridan," The woman read from a list that appeared pretty much from out of fucking nowhere. The fish hipster stood up and walked proudly up to the stool, purple cape that he attached to his uniform flying gayly behind him. Snicker. Snicker.

McGoogle had a bit of difficulty getting the hat over his weird horns, but she managed to just prop it up awkwardly. The hat sat on his head sideways for about a minute before screaming out at the top of it's lungs, "SLYTHERIN!" Well, it's hat lungs. If hats can even have lungs, that is. I really have no idea what the fuck is even going on so I'm not going to question it and ironically go with the flow.

Ampora got off the stool and sat under some giant, green crest with a silver snake on it. I do have to say, it looks pretty sweet. But I'm not much of a snake person myself, unless it's dead. Then I'm all over that, all up and preserving that shit.

"Captor, Sollux!" 'Bee Dude' as I had dubbed him slouched up to the stool in the most uninterested manner he could muster and sat on the stool all moody. Someone needs to just calm the fuck down and simmer those sick fires onto a nice crackling flame of irony, considering this guy even has sick fires. I guess that's the cripple's thing, oh well. It was a pretty ironic statement, for the record. And as I own all the records, I will all up and record that in my little record notebook of irony and shit.

McGoogle had a little less trouble with him, but she still was trying to get the hat on his head so his horns wouldn't break a hole in that ancient, shit brown fabric.

"RAVENCLAW!" The hat screeched yet again. I actually like that name the most, probably my weird bird fetish Rose has been wanting to look into for the past whenever ago she found out about it. Bee Dude moped over to the table under the blue crest with this wicked sweet raven on it.

"Egbert, John!" John skipped happily up to the stool, looking as derpy as someone could possibly be, flashing those two ridiculous front teeth like two trophies of the 'I Look Stupid And Gullible' contest. He plopped the hat on his head and closed his eyes like he was holding his breath. Oh goddammit, he looks like he's constipated or something dear god please help me not laugh this is just too rich.

"GRYFFINDOR!" The hat shouted, leaving me a bit surprised. I would have been sure that Egbert would land himself in something with such a dumbass name like Hufflepuff, but hey, the kid does surprise me sometimes. But it's never true astonishment, no one, especially not John could muster such a feat. And he definitely did not surprise me with that oh so homo skip over to the Gryffindor table. He claims to not be homo, yet everything else about him screams that that's more wrong than saying that I'm not cool. Which I am so you can just shut the fuck up right there.

"Harley, Jade!" The woman called. Jade skipped up to the stool just about as manly as John did, which is about adding negative a million mangrit to both of their meters. In fact, it's adding sissypoints to their Utter Fail Derp meters.

It didn't take the hat too long to sort her out, but in the end it ended up shouting, "HUFFLEPUFF!" You see that right there? What did I tell you. That there is called Strider's Intuition, the most ironic of all intuitions out there. Jade wandered over to the table, looking pretty satisfied with her placing, but looking just a tad bit upset that she wasn't with John.

"Lalonde, Rose!" McGoogle as I'm going to start calling her now shouted. Rose made her slow way up to the stool and sat on it gently, trying to look as distinguished as possible. Holy shit this is going to be as predictable as hell.

The hat was on her head for about ten seconds before it cried out in that nails on a chalkboard voice, "RAVENCLAW!" You see, that's two in a row right there. I'm on a roll here today folks. Rosie wandered her snarky, know it all self over to the table Lispy was brooding at. She sat down next to him but scooted away, smirking, when he sent a dagger filled glare her way. Pfft, someone woke up on the wrong side of the hive this morning.

"Leijon, Nepeta!" Kitty Cosplayer pounced happily up to the stool, flashing her cat like fangs as McGoogle called her name. My god if there's such a thing as a troll weaboo, then she'd be in the picture right next to the definition. The hat even fit fairly well over her ear shaped horns.

"GRYFFINDOR!" Wow, absolutely no surprise there. I mean duh, only a completely fucktard wouldn't see that one coming a mile away. She could have fit into that Rufflefluff or whatever too, but the symbol is a fucking lion. It was just destined. Kittyface hopped happily over to John and plopped down in a seat across from him, purring happily. Did I mention she's happy.

"Makara, Gamzee!" Okay, I know for sure this one's going to break my chain of perfect guesses. This guy is some tough shit to place. I just don't know man. He'll probably end up in Ravenclaw for some strange, ironic twist of events.

McGoogle found it absolutely impossible to get the thing on his head so she ended up smashing the hat inbetween his tall, obnoxious horns. The hat sat on his head for about a full minute, boring the hell out of everyone. The strict teacher was getting a bit confused and just as she was about to interrupt the hat cried, "SLYTHERIN!" Wow. No irony for me, I guess. Who knows, maybe karma will reward me with some irony later on. Just have to keep checking those ouija boards, man.

"Maryam, Kanaya!" The troll version of Rose made her slow way up to the school as gracefully as possible. Oh come on lady, you're not on the freaking red carpet leading up to the goddamn Queen of Troll England or some ridiculous kind of thing like that. She sat down all dainty like and smoothed out her dress as McGoogle placed the hat on top of her horns so it was just barely brushing the top of her head.

It was barely on her head for a second before it shouted Ravenclaw yet again. Seriously, how many people are going into the nerd house? I'd like to know so I can gauge how much I need to avoid it. Right now it's looking a lot like all times. Kanaya made her graceful way over to the Ravenclaw table, taking a seat next to Rose with a smile. Sollux just blew a stray hair out of his face, looking still as deterred as ever.

This slow process went on forever, finally after so many long minutes resulting in everyone before me having gone. Megido got Ravenclaw (this one nearly made me rip my hair out, but of course I didn't), Nitram got Hufflefluff (big surprise), Peixes got Hufflefluff as well (I was starting to sigh visibly by then), Terezi got Gryffindor (she was sniffing fucking all over that lion man), and Spiderbitch got Slytherin (yeah, that one was not a huge revelation either).

Now it was my turn. Fucking gulp.

I made my slow and cool way up to the stool as Terezi and Egbert cheered for me from the sidelines. I really wanted to smack them right there, but I didn't because I'm not that much of a douche. I'm pretty close to it, but I'm really just more in the tool category.

I slouched over a bit in the stool. The teacher lady gave me this stern look so I straightened up. I heard Egbert giggling and I felt my cheeks begin to heat up but I quickly told my blood vessels to cut the shit and go anywhere but there.

The hat was placed on my head and I could have sworn I felt something crawl out of it and into my hair. Then suddenly, before I could reach up and swat whatever it was on my head off, I heard a voice vaguely in the back of my mind.

"_There's no use in doing that, Mister Strider._" It said. I thought some of my favorite words at the voice and it quickly responded. "_That is not proper language, young man. And I don't care if you were just thinking it, that gesture was completely uncalled for._" I snickered to myself. I could almost feel the voice rolling it's non-existent eyes.

It started mumbling some other incoherent shit before finally, after a very insufferable wait, shouted "GRYFFINDOR!". I made my way back over to the table where John and Terezi and Nepeta were and took a seat.

"Oh Daaave, so happy you could make it! HEHEHEHEHE!" Terezi whispered right in my ear. I was almost sure she probably spit all over whatever crawled out of my hat and onto my head. She probably killed it with her creepy alien spit, good riddance.

The sorting was finished quite quickly with Mr. Big Muscles in Ravenclaw (fuckin' GROAN) and Karkat in Gryffindor. Oh joy, this'll be one hella year.

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><p><strong>Okay, I'm not putting in the remedial classes because OH MY GOG THAT WAS JUST ASKDALKSJDLASDJ. That was way more tedious than I was first expecting. I sure hope you guys enjoy it, it sure took me long enough.<strong>

**Till next time,**

**~Mint**


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